Dear Laura

Posted on April 1, 2010 by Stephanie P

I came across this website I would like share with you. The site belongs to musician Brad Mersereau.  He has devoted it to his sister Laura’s memory who sadly did not find her way to recovery and died at 46 from alcoholism.  It is a very powerful reminder that addiction in itself is a form of insanity, it affects our loved ones profoundly, destroys lives and that some of us won’t make it to sobriety.

The following is an excerpt from his site, one of a series of very poignant letters he wrote to her after she died.

June 14, 1999

Dear Laura,

Janet & I had just returned from a Seattle/Silverdale weekend trip when we received a chilling midnight phone call from your nephew, Dwayne. He said you had died, and my first reaction was disbelief. How could this be? You had attended an AA meeting with me recently, and admitted you were an alcoholic in recovery. I thought you had been sober for 6 months. As it began to dawn on me I was the only one left from our family of origin to deal with your disease, I felt disheartened and totally numb inside. We learned from doctors in the following days you sustained a perforated ulcer causing toxic peritonitis. You put on high heels but never made it out of your house the evening of June 13th. A quarter-century of hard drinking caused you to die prematurely 4 months and 6 days after your 46th birthday. The addictive path was your choice at every turn, but what a loss.

Do you remember your intervention at Portland Adventist Hospital Thanksgiving week of 1998? You screamed, “Poor little rich boy” in a futile attempt to disrupt the proceedings. Doctors, your trust officer and I agreed in order to live, you had to stop drinking. Do you remember your mandatory outpatient follow-up treatment in Oregon City? You resisted mightily my driving you to a required appointment where the counselor stated plainly: either stop drinking or expect death within 6 months. You never attended any further scheduled appointments. I told a friend during Christmas season 1998 you would die within half a year, and I still couldn’t process Dwayne’s phone call. None of us knew that women sustain health complications due to alcohol abuse at an accelerated rate when compared to men.

You and I did a surreal dance with your alcoholic disease for over 25 years … or was it a symptom? Do you remember numerous stays at Damasch State (Mental) Hospital in the 70’s and 80’s? You had been dual diagnosed affective-schizophrenic and bipolar and prescribed appropriate medicines. Do you remember when I found you a new shrink? After Rick, your husband of almost 19 years, died from alcohol-induced health complications, you found solace talking to a psychiatrist.

I wish you had not self-medicated with booze. I tried to be your champion and your advocate, Laura. I tried to be a good brother. We were the only two who shared the common thread of children linked inextricably to Dad’s addiction until he stopped drinking for good in 1965. We both survived his bipolar episodes from 1965-1970 but I left you to cope alone after heading for Whitman College in the fall of 1968. Now what? Thank God for Janet! I miss you like crazy.

Love, Brad

I hope you take the time to visit http://www.bradmersereau.com. You can listen to some of his music and he has a special page for sobriety anniversaries where you can add your date and share your own experiences.

Thanks for having a look.

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Who’s a sex addict?

Posted on March 1, 2010 by Stephanie P

It seems like everyone is talking about sex addiction these days.  This whole Tiger Woods scandal has put sex addition into the spotlight recently.

I recently read an article in the Los Angeles Times about whether sex addiction is a real disorder or disease like drug or alcohol addiction. The article argues whether extreme sexual acting out is an obsessive-compulsive disorder, a sign of depression or simply nasty behavior.  I’m sure the same thing was said at one time in history about gambling addiction and for that matter drug or alcohol addiction.

I asked one of my friends who happens to be a recovering sex addict and he offered his sincere opinion on this debate.  He feels that an addiction is an addiction, whether it is a by-product of depression or a compulsive obsessive disorder is really a moot point.  There are varying degrees of severity and methods of abuse.  It all depends on the individual.  There’s no clear-cut way to tell who is and who isn’t a sex addict.  How do we really define what is normal amount of sex versus what is abnormal?  It has to be on a case-by-case basis, and it requires self-awareness and intuition as much as it does a clinical diagnosis.

We can’t speak for Tiger Woods or David Duchovny since we don’t know enough about them or the choices they made and why they made them.  Addiction is not just about the substance or activity itself – it is a proxy or outlet for feelings and events that we are unable to deal with for one reason or another.

Sure there is the physical part like drinking, drugs or the sex but it’s also about escape from emotions like anger, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and countless other negative feelings.  It’s about compensating for something else but in this case using sex as the vehicle instead of coping.  Sound familiar? I thought so.

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Thanks for giving me sobriety

Posted on November 25, 2009 by Stephanie P

Thanksgiving is a special time but for me, it marks another year of sobriety.  I now have eight years of continued sobriety. During those years, I have experienced the same disappointments and achievements in life as I always have but the difference is that I was able to handle life on life’s terms– just using my instincts, some common sense and I hope, good judgment.  It’s been a tough yet wonderfully liberating experience.

One thing that I found a bit of challenge is dealing with friends and family regarding sobriety.  For one thing, my 80 year-old mother has no clue about my using past.  She and I live over 3,000 miles apart, each in separate countries. I am grateful that she did not witness nor was affected by my behavior during that dark period of my life.  I decided telling her would just confuse and hurt her.

Then, I have my older passive/aggressive sister who tells me that I’m not an addict anymore and I should stop calling myself one.  She doesn’t understand the concept of being in recovery.  As far as she’s concerned, I quit and I’ve recovered.  It somehow embarrasses her that I refer to myself as a recovering addict.  Now, I’ve learned not to refer to my recovery around her, it’s not worth the aggravation.

Now when it comes to new acquaintances in social situations where alcohol is involved, it can be a little more difficult.  There are people out there who are simply distrustful of non-drinkers or find it weird when people don’t imbibe.  Some people are just uncomfortable around clean and sober people period. They may view us as holier than thou and that we think we are more virtuous or maybe they think we are judging their drinking. In my early years of my sobriety, I would make up excuses when asked why I was not drinking. My favorite was “I’m on medication” but then I would always would feel ashamed of myself for this little white lie.  After all, there is no shame in sobriety.  It’s really a lifestyle choice.

Today, I just explain that I’ve chosen a life of sobriety and it works for me.  Most people will just accept and respect that choice but others may comment in one derogatory way or another, like “no drinking…no smoking..no drugs? I could never do it ..I like it way too much.”  I just reply, “You know, that’s what I thought at first; but now, no feeling is as euphoric to me as sobriety.”  This retort may come across as high and mighty but I stopped caring about what others think a long time ago.

Happy Clean & Sober Thanksgiving.

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Public Enemy

Posted on June 10, 2009 by Stephanie P

We are a prescription drug society.  Not a day will pass when we will see an advertisement describing some medical condition and the pill that will help it.  An astonishing amount of advertising about insomnia has surfaced within the last few years.  It is estimated that one of out of six people over the age of 15 has problems falling or staying asleep.

My co-worker has been taking as he describes a “tiny dose” of Clonazepam because he experiences “middle-of-the-night” insomnia. He wakes up every morning at 2 am and has trouble getting back to sleep.  His solution has been his dose of benzodiazepine.  He’s been doing this for the past year but he claims he’s not hooked.  But I know deep down that he’s terrified of stopping this drug.  Yet his doctor continues to renew his “tiny dose” of Clonazepam even though benzodiazepines are very habit-forming.

Often insomnia is transient and normal sleep comes but other times we turn to our doctor for help.  Some of the more popular drugs doctors prescribe for insomnia are benzodiazepines since nearly one quarter of patients who experience insomnia suffers from anxiety.  Short-term, low dose therapy of benzodiazepines is given to the patient.  The result–patient gets immediate relief, gets sleep and life is manageable again.  However, if the low dose therapy continues past a few weeks, chances are the patient will develop dependence to this drug.  Doctors continue to prescribe benzodiazepines for the short-term but ultimately many patients renew their prescriptions beyond the three week period and develop a dependence on them, even at low doses.

As a recovering addict, I know a thing or two about habits and I have had my own issues with insomnia and taking meds to help me sleep.  I became intrigued by my boss’ story and did a little research regarding benzodiazepine dependence.  Here are a few statistics:

1. Even at low doses, benzodiazepines are addictive with 23% of people becoming addicted after 3 months.

2. Benzodiazepine use after longer than four weeks results in psychological and physical dependence.

3. Withdrawal symptoms even from low doses occur and include:  anxiety, perceptual disturbances, distortion of all senses, dysphasia and in rare cases, psychosis and epileptic seizures.

4. Many doctors have a little training or knowledge of the addictive nature of benzodiazepines.

5. Withdrawal from benzodiazepines is often a long, drawn out, difficult process and should be done under medical supervision

If you want to learn more about withdrawing from benzodiazepines, please visit this link I discovered for very useful information: http://lonelylinks.com/ashton.htm

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Solitary confinement

Posted on April 9, 2009 by Stephanie P

When I was using, sometimes I felt like I was living in solitary confinement.  My addiction was my incarceration–a lonely, frightening and lifeless jail of my own doing.  Now that I’m clean and sober there is a whole dimension of solitude I’ve learned to embrace rather than fear.

During my first year of sobriety, dealing with solitude was difficult.  Like many others entering recovering, I had to let go of friends who used and using patterns I had developed that were social.    Although I had developed other social networks with the program, I still couldn’t be with people 24/7 and those hours spent by myself were probably the hardest part of my first 90 days. I remember how being alone clean and sober felt so overwhelming. I had come to realize that in the past, whenever I was uncomfortable being alone, I turned to drugs to fill the void.  Then that isolation became my solitary confinement.  Rather than just enjoying the silence I would fill it with clouded, drugged out ruminations. The alienation I felt in addiction was a separation from my own feelings.  I had lost the ability to be alone.

Solitude in sobriety is a wonderful thing since the silence I feel now is not negative but a device I use to tune out everyday noise and be present with myself.  Taking the time to be with my spiritual self in solitude is to be present with my Higher Power, my Higher Self and provides a moment to heal from the heart.

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The Importance of Sobriety Anniversaries

Posted on February 14, 2009 by Stephanie P

I just wrote an essay on why sobriety anniversaries are so important.  Check it out at http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Importance-of-the-Sobriety-Annivers

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I’m only happy when it rains

Posted on February 6, 2009 by Stephanie P

It’s a rainy, foggy day and although I like the rain, today’s rain is reflecting my dark and somber mood.  I had all these plans to be productive today but somehow I let my mood take over, simply relenting to the dark side.  The problems in life overshadowing my plans, poor me.  In my using days, these kinds of days really lent themselves to being stoned.  I felt crappy so I got high.  It would make me feel better, an instant bliss until it wore off and I’d get high again. Then one day it just stopped working, I’d get high but I still felt depressed. That drug-induced euphoria was lost and I was caught in a cycle of trying to recapture that euphoria.

Now in sobriety, I look back at those foggy days with a truly unromantic heart. In fact, whenever I start to romanticize about my druggie days I have to stop myself.  Sure I had some great times but really, the bad times and feelings far exceeded the good. I’ve heard this kind of reminiscing in meetings and sometimes I let myself go along with it for a moment or two but it really serves no real purpose.  It’s like pining over a long-lost love who is gone and even if he came back, he wouldn’t be the same.

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Hellidays II

Posted on December 31, 2008 by Stephanie P

We’ve heard it before that people in recovery have it especially hard during the holidays.  Everything from bad memories associated with drinking/using, to seeing loved ones out of control, to having to resist those urges to partake in a little holiday cheer like the rest of society.  The holidays are the ultimate test of the addict/alcoholic’s commitment to sobriety.

I personally don’t like the holidays much.  I’m not a very christmasy person, not being traditional makes me feel bad, not giving in to the mass-consumerism makes me feel guilty and not being with all of my family makes me feel sad. Although I’ve learned to recognize these feelings, they still get to me every year. Thank goodness it’s almost over.

This year, I had to turn down an invitation to a New Year’s Eve dinner party because I knew there would be drugs there–my favorite drug to be exact.  Although the drugs would not necessarily be out in the open, I would know they were present and like a well-trained bloodhound, I could very easily sniff them out.

So I’m not going even though I’d really love to.  I feel cheated but it’s my own damn fault.  I created the addict in me and I have to accept that.  Shitty as it is, it’s just my reality now. Like the old saying goes…if you don’t want a haircut, don’t hang around the barber shop. As cliche as it is, it’s so true.  I hope all of you have a wonderful, safe, clean and sober holiday with continued happiness in sobriety for 2009!

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Freedom

Posted on November 13, 2008 by Stephanie P

As I approach my seven years of being clean, I ask myself what is the one true thing I’ve gained.  That one thing would be freedom.  Freedom from the isolation and secrecy of addiction. Freedom from not having to score my next stash.  Freedom from my self-loathing and mood swings.

Keeping that dirty little habit that spun so out of control from my husband, my family, my non-using friends, my co-workers and from society in general was a constant preoccupation.  Like most addicts, I really tried hard to conceal my habit and for the longest time, I was convinced nobody could tell I was stoned.  But really, I wasn’t fooling anybody.  In fact, I’ve had perfect strangers ask me point blank, if I was high.  I remember feeling so exposed, shameful, sly yet defiant during those moments of confrontation.  I would deny it of course but I felt guilty and dirty about it later.

Now, seven years later, I don’t have to lie, sneak around, or steal anymore because those tethers are gone and for that, I am truly thankful.

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Come clean with your Dr.

Posted on September 17, 2008 by Stephanie P

This blog entry is dedicated to all the women out there who suffer from uterine fibroid tumors.  Approximately 40% of menstruating women suffer from fibroid tumors.  Symptoms include heavy, long periods, cramping and pelvic pressure   Left untreated, these fibroids can make you anemic and your life miserable.  Up until recently, I was part of this statistic.  Ladies, there is a treatment option out there that doesn’t involve a hysterectomy, a major surgical procedure with a recovery time of 6-8 weeks.

Fortunately, there is a procedure called Uterine Artery Embolization.  UAE is a non-invasive surgical technique that shrinks uterine fibroids, maintains fertility and is performed under local anesthesia. This medical technique takes only 30 minutes and has quick recovery time of one week.  I had it done about two weeks ago and I’m already experiencing its benefits.  In a few short months, my periods will be so much lighter, with little or no cramping and I will not feel like my life revolves around my menstrual cycle.

As a recovering addict, I must share with you the dilemma I faced about managing the pain after the procedure.  As there was some pain involved, and at times some pretty intense pain for the first 36-72 hours following the procedure, I had to accept the fact that I would be heavily medicated with Oxycontin or Perocet, both of which are highly addictive opiates.  My fear of course was getting a taste and wanting to chase the high like in the old days when I was using.  And although I’ve never been an opiate addict, I still am an addict nonetheless and that never goes away.

The first thing I did was tell my doctor about my drug-abusing past so that he was aware and would not prescribe any additional meds after I would run out of those prescribed for the post-surgery.  The second thing I did was promise myself that I could not throw away almost 7 years of sobriety on leftover meds.  I promised myself that when the pain was over, or even when it was down to a dull roar that I just had to stop the meds and toss them.  And you know, I did it, and I feel like I haven’t forsaken my sobriety but I realize that I could have easily emptied those bottles.

It’s not impossible however for those of us in recovery facing issues involving managing temporary pain, to accept the pain as just that, temporary, and, above all,  to stop those meds before they start to control you.

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