I’m only happy when it rains

It’s a rainy, foggy day and although I like the rain, today’s rain is reflecting my dark and somber mood.  I had all these plans to be productive today but somehow I let my mood take over, simply relenting to the dark side.  The problems in life overshadowing my plans, poor me.  In my using days, these kinds of days really lent themselves to being stoned.  I felt crappy so I got high.  It would make me feel better, an instant bliss until it wore off and I’d get high again. Then one day it just stopped working, I’d get high but I still felt depressed. That drug-induced euphoria was lost and I was caught in a cycle of trying to recapture that euphoria.

Now in sobriety, I look back at those foggy days with a truly unromantic heart. In fact, whenever I start to romanticize about my druggie days I have to stop myself.  Sure I had some great times but really, the bad times and feelings far exceeded the good. I’ve heard this kind of reminiscing in meetings and sometimes I let myself go along with it for a moment or two but it really serves no real purpose.  It’s like pining over a long-lost love who is gone and even if he came back, he wouldn’t be the same.

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