12step

Solitary confinement

When I was using, sometimes I felt like I was living in solitary confinement.  My addiction was my incarceration–a lonely, frightening and lifeless jail of my own doing.  Now that I’m clean and sober there is a whole dimension of solitude I’ve learned to embrace rather than fear. During my first year of sobriety, dealing with solitude was difficult.  Like many others entering recovering, I had to let go of friends who used and using patterns I had developed that were social.    Although I had developed other social networks with…

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12step

I’m only happy when it rains

It’s a rainy, foggy day and although I like the rain, today’s rain is reflecting my dark and somber mood.  I had all these plans to be productive today but somehow I let my mood take over, simply relenting to the dark side.  The problems in life overshadowing my plans, poor me.  In my using days, these kinds of days really lent themselves to being stoned.  I felt crappy so I got high.  It would make me feel better, an instant bliss until it wore off and I’d get high…

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12step

Hellidays II

We’ve heard it before that people in recovery have it especially hard during the holidays.  Everything from bad memories associated with drinking/using, to seeing loved ones out of control, to having to resist those urges to partake in a little holiday cheer like the rest of society.  The holidays are the ultimate test of the addict/alcoholic’s commitment to sobriety. I personally don’t like the holidays much.  I’m not a very christmasy person, not being traditional makes me feel bad, not giving in to the mass-consumerism makes me feel guilty and not…

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12step

Freedom

As I approach my seven years of being clean, I ask myself what is the one true thing I’ve gained.  That one thing would be freedom.  Freedom from the isolation and secrecy of addiction. Freedom from not having to score my next stash.  Freedom from my self-loathing and mood swings. Keeping that dirty little habit that spun so out of control from my husband, my family, my non-using friends, my co-workers and from society in general was a constant preoccupation.  Like most addicts, I really tried hard to conceal my habit and for…

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12step

Come clean with your Dr.

This blog entry is dedicated to all the women out there who suffer from uterine fibroid tumors.  Approximately 40% of menstruating women suffer from fibroid tumors.  Symptoms include heavy, long periods, cramping and pelvic pressure   Left untreated, these fibroids can make you anemic and your life miserable.  Up until recently, I was part of this statistic.  Ladies, there is a treatment option out there that doesn’t involve a hysterectomy, a major surgical procedure with a recovery time of 6-8 weeks. Fortunately, there is a procedure called Uterine Artery Embolization.  UAE…

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12step

Riding the insomnia train

I am among the millions of people out there with occassional sleep issues.  For the past few years, insomnia has come and gone. When I was using, getting sleep was really not much of a problem since I was self-medicating and in a state of perpetual buzz.  I never seemed to get enough sleep and I almost slept too much. Today, I am clean and sober yet blissful, uninterrupted, deep sleep is sometimes a challenge.  Is this an after-effect that many addicts/alcoholics experience in recovery?  Was I too stoned at…

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12step

Celebrity. Rehab.

It seems not another day goes by that you hear about some famous person going to rehab.  In this age of celebrity, being in recovery has almost become fashionable.  Mind you, I am not usually into in celebrity gossip but when I hear about “so and so” going into rehab again, I can’t help but take an interest. Maybe it’s because I believe that celebrities in recovery are good publicity for recovery.  To most people, stars seem to be these indivduals that are larger than life but when they wind…

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12step

Other’s people drinking bugs me

Other people’s drinking sometimes gets to me. A few months ago, I witnessed a house guest and very dear in-law of mine get drunk every night on California Merlot. Now this man has been drinking wine with his meals most of his life but within the last few years he went from consuming a half bottle of wine to two bottles a day. His drinking reminded me of my own late father who drank only with his meals, like most Europeans. Growing up I witnessed too many drunken scenes and…

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12step

Happy Sober Birthday

The other day while I was at work, (yes, do have a day job as being an artist doesn’t pay all the bills), one of my co-workers made a comment along the lines of, “Why would anyone celebrate being sober?”  To that I replied, “For some people who have nearly destroyed their lives with drugs, alcohol or any other addictions, one more year of sobriety is a big freaking deal.”  Of course, my co-worker is not in recovery and for people outside the community, the idea of celebrating sobriety seems…

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