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April 8, 2009	When I was using, sometimes I felt like I was living in solitary confinement.  My addiction was my incarceration--a lonely, frightening and lifeless jail of my own doing.  Now that I’m clean and sober there is a whole dimension of solitude I’ve learned to embrace rather than fear.    During my first year of sobriety, dealing with solitude was difficult.  Like many others entering recovering, I had to let go of friends who used and using patterns I had developed that were social.    Although I had developed other social networks with the program, I still couldn’t be with people 24/7 and those hours spent by myself were probably the hardest part of my first 90 days. I remember how being alone clean and sober felt so overwhelming. I had come to realize that in the past, whenever I was uncomfortable being alone, I turned to drugs to fill the void.  Then that isolation became my solitary confinement.  Rather than just enjoying the silence I would fill it with clouded, drugged out ruminations. The alienation I felt in addiction was a separation from my own feelings.  I had lost the ability to be alone.    Solitude in sobriety is a wonderful thing since the silence I feel now is not negative but a device I use to tune out everyday noise and be present with myself.  Taking the time to be with my spiritual self in solitude is to be present with my Higher Power, my Higher Self and provides a moment to heal from the heart.
February 14, 2009	I just wrote an essay on why sobriety anniversaries are so important.  Check it out at http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Importance-of-the-Sobriety-Annivers
February 6, 2009	It's a rainy, foggy day and although I like the rain, today's rain is reflecting my dark and somber mood.  I had all these plans to be productive today but somehow I let my mood take over, simply relenting to the dark side.  The problems in life overshadowing my plans, poor me.  In my using days, these kinds of days really lent themselves to being stoned.  I felt crappy so I got high.  It would make me feel better, an instant bliss until it wore off and I'd get high again. Then one day it just stopped working, I'd get high but I still felt depressed. That drug-induced euphoria was lost and I was caught in a cycle of trying to recapture that euphoria.   Now in sobriety, I look back at those foggy days with a truly unromantic heart. In fact, whenever I start to romanticize about my druggie days I have to stop myself.  Sure I had some great times but really, the bad times and feelings far exceeded the good. I've heard this kind of reminiscing in meetings and sometimes Iet myself go along with it for a moment or two but it really serves no real purpose.  It's like pining over a long-lost love who is gone and even if he came back, he wouldn't be the same.
December 31, 2008	We've heard it before that people in recovery have it especially hard during the holidays.  Everything from bad memories associated with drinking/using, to seeing loved ones out of control, to having to resist those urges to partake in a little holiday cheer like the rest of society.  The holidays are the ultimate test of the addict/alcoholic's commitment to sobriety.  I personally don't like the holidays much.  I'm not a very christmasy person, not being traditional makes me feel bad, not giving in to the mass-consumerism makes me feel guilty and not being with all of my family makes me feel sad. Although I've learned to recognize these feelings, they still get to me every year. Thank goodness it's almost over.   This year, I had to turn down an invitation to a New Year's Eve dinner party because I knew there would be drugs there--my favorite drug to be exact.  Although the drugs would not necessarily be out in the open, I would know they were present and like a well-trained bloodhound, I could very easily sniff them out.  So I'm not going even though I'd really love to.  I feel cheated but it's my own damn fault.  I created the addict in me and I have to accept that.  Shitty as it is, it's just my reality now. Like the old saying goes...if you don't want a haircut, don't hang around the barber shop. As cliche as it is, it's so true.  I hope all of you have a wonderful, safe, clean and sober holiday with continued happiness in sobriety for 2009!
November 13, 2008	As I approach my seven years of being clean, I ask myself what is the one true thing I've gained.  That one thing would be freedom.  Freedom from the isolation and secrecy of addiction. Freedom from not having to score my next stash.  Freedom from my self-loathing and mood swings.  Keeping that dirty little habit that spun so out of control from my husband, my family, my non-using friends, my co-workers and from society in general was a constant preoccupation.  Like most addicts, I really tried hard to conceal my habit and for the longest time, I was convinced nobody could tell I was stoned.  But really, I wasn't fooling anybody.  In fact, I've had perfect strangers ask me point blank, if I was high.  I remember feeling so exposed, shameful, sly yet defiant during those moments of confrontation.  I would deny it of course but I felt guilty and dirty about it later.   Now, seven years later, I don't have to lie, sneak around, or steal anymore because those tethers are gone and for that, I am truly thankful.
September 17, 2008	This blog entry is dedicated to all the women out there who suffer from uterine fibroid tumors.  Approximately 40% of menstruating women suffer from fibroid tumors.  Symptoms include heavy, long periods, cramping and pelvic pressure   Left untreated, these fibroids can make you anemic and your life miserable.  Up until recently, I was part of this statistic.  Ladies, there is a treatment option out there that doesn’t involve a hysterectomy, a major surgical procedure with a recovery time of 6-8 weeks.      Fortunately, there is a procedure called Uterine Artery Embolization.  UAE is a non-invasive surgical technique that shrinks uterine fibroids, maintains fertility and is performed under local anesthesia. This medical technique takes only 30 minutes and has quick recovery time of one week.  I had it done about two weeks ago and I’m already experiencing its benefits.  In a few short months, my periods will be so much lighter, with little or no cramping and I will not feel like my life revolves around my menstrual cycle.  If you suffer from fibroids and would like to learn more about this amazing procedure, go to http://www.fibroids.com.    As a recovering addict, I must share with you the dilemma I faced about managing the pain after the procedure.  As there was some pain involved, and at times some pretty intense pain for the first 36-72 hours following the procedure, I had to accept the fact that I would be heavily medicated with Oxycontin or Perocet, both of which are highly addictive opiates.  My fear of course was getting a taste and wanting to chase the high like in the old days when I was using.  And although I’ve never been an opiate addict, I still am an addict nonetheless and that never goes away.   The first thing I did was tell my doctor about my drug-abusing past so that he was aware and would not prescribe any additional meds after I would run out of those prescribed for the post-surgery.  The second thing I did was promise myself that I could not throw away 6 years of sobriety on leftover meds.  I promised myself that when the pain was over, or even when it was down to a dull roar that I just had to stop the meds and toss them.  And you know, I did it, and I feel like I haven’t forsaken my sobriety but I realize that I could have easily emptied those bottles.    It’s not impossible however for those of us in recovery facing issues involving managing temporary pain, to accept the pain as just that, temporary, and, above all,  to stop those meds before they start to control you.
May 16, 2008	I am among the millions of people out there with sleep issues.  For the past few years, insomnia has come and gone.   When I was using, getting sleep was really not much of a problem since I was self-medicating and in a state of perpetual buzz.  I never seemed to get enough sleep and I almost slept too much.    Today, I am clean and sober yet blissful, uninterrupted, deep sleep is sometimes a challenge.  Is this an after-effect that many addicts/alcoholics experience in recovery?  Was I too stoned at the time to notice insomnia?  A good night's sleep is priceless and nothing beats natural, unmedicated sleep. On those dreaded nights I am struggling to get to sleep, I have to really ponder over whether or not to take a sleeping pill. Do I tough it out or do I sucumb to the meds?   We insomniacs in recovery have to consider the psychological implications of choosing a pill to sleep. The pharmaceutical industry pumps millions into advertising those new sleep aids that are touted to not be habit forming.  Big Pharma has gotten away on a technicality.  They claim that the new generation of hypnotics are non-habit forming because they are chemically different from the older generations of hynotics like benzodiazapines. Because they are classified as non-benzodiazapines they claim they are not habit-forming however they work on the brain exactly the same way, using the same mechanisms as benzodiazapines So if they work the same way wouldn't it be logical to assume they ARE habit-forming?  If not so much physically but psychologically? Another thing is, we don't really know what the long term effects are of these new sleep aids. Entire nations of people is getting hooked on a pill just to fall asleep and stay asleep.  We must learn to manage insomnia, not give in so easily to taking medication for something that every living creature does naturally -- sleep!
April 23, 2008	It seems not another day goes by that you hear about some famous person going to rehab.  In this age of celebrity, being in recovery has almost become fashionable.  Mind you, I am not usually into in celebrity gossip but when I hear about "so and so" going into rehab again, I can't help but take an interest.     Maybe it's because I believe that celebrities in recovery are good publicity for recovery.  To most people, stars seem to be these indivduals that are larger than life but when they wind up in recovery, it only shows how really fragile the human condition is.   Being in recovery has become so mainstream now that it is no longer is taboo to admit it, celebrity or not.
March 28, 2008	Other people's drinking sometimes gets to me. A few months ago, I witnessed a house guest and very dear in-law of mine get drunk every night on California Merlot. Now this man has been drinking wine with his meals most of his life but within the last few years he went from consuming a half bottle of wine to two bottles a day. His drinking reminded me of my own late father who drank only with his meals, like most Europeans. Growing up I witnessed too many drunken scenes and they still haunt me sometimes.  For many years before sobriety, I carried a lot of resentment about my father's alcoholism.  The month before my father died, I had about 10 months of sobriety under my belt.  I was planning to visit him and tell him how much his drinking hurt me but he died a few days before my flight. At the funeral, I remember looking down at his dead body thinking is this the man who terrified me growing up? Is this the man I was ashamed of, loved yet hated?  This thin, hallowed figure I barely recognize anymore was indeed my father and at that moment I forgave him.     Learning to let go of blame and guilt is never easy yet forgiveness is one of the many gifts that sobriety brings.
March 13, 2008	The other day while I was at work, (yes, do have a day job as being an artist doesn't pay all the bills), one of my co-workers made a comment along the lines of, "Why would anyone celebrate being sober?"  To that I replied, "For some people who have nearly destroyed their lives with drugs, alcohol or any other addiction, one more year of sobriety is a big freaking deal."  Of course, my co-worker is not in recovery and for people outside the community, the idea of celebrating sobriety seems quite frankly weird.   That's okay because I thought it was weird too until I started taking those chips.  After several relapses, I remember going to meetings and watching other people taking chips and bitterly thinking, "Damn it, if they could do it, then so can I.!" I was really a little jealous.   I decided to do it and I stayed clean and it was the toughest thing I've ever done in my life, even tougher than successfully casting resin!  Speaking of resin, I've just introduced a new line of sobriety pendant hearts and paperweights to commemorate that incredibly special day!  I'm also working on some pendant necklaces for men.  So stay tuned...
February 17, 2008	It's been a little over six years now that I've been clean and every now and then I have a dream that I'm about to use.  Usually it's the same dream too that basically challenges my sobriety.  In this dream, I am typically alone and low and behold, I seem to have found a stash of dope that I've completely forgotten about. So there I am in the same place I was years ago, excited to have found this buried treasure and wanting to have some right away. But in this dream I somehow know I've been sober and I'm battling these feelings of wanting to use just this one time yet afraid of being discovered. Then I am suddenly interrupted by somebody and I hide the stash promising myself I'll get back to it later. The dream suddenly ends before I have a chance to use.  I don't even get to experience the feeling of being high again. Is this a good thing or a bad one?   I'm sure that most of we recovering addicts/alcoholics have had these kinds of dreams and continue to have them once and a while.  When we wake up, we probably breathe a sigh of relief and say, "It was just a dream...thank God I'm still sober."
December 26, 2007	I've been very lax in my blogging lately due to the demands of the holiday season. The holidays...such a challenging time of year for us in recovery.  I sometimes like to refer to the holidays as the "hellidays" since we are bound by the traditions that put great social pressure on us, force us to be with family we would rather not be with and we have to do this clean and sober.   And let us not forget the pleasure of watching others drink and get drunk.  More than ever, we notice the drunk drivers on the road, shake our heads yet recall how many times we may have gotten behind the wheel clearly as impaired and as dangerous as that person driving ahead of us. As an adult child of an alcoholic, most of my memories of Christmas are not so great.  Some of us still have a family member or a friend who is wrapped up in the disease of addiction and have not found serenity. I pray that they will one day find it too.
October 19, 2007	What could be more frightening than the prospect of relapsing? A friend of mine just relapsed and although he’s back in recovery and has been clean for about 9 months, he relapsed long and hard for about 2 years.   What he said to me was very poignant and I wanted to share this with you. He said that within the first week he started using again, he was back to the same amount of substance and using it with the same frequency as he had over 10 years ago. Scary isn’t it how your mind and body doesn’t forget? Amazing yet chilling how addiction has own special memory and it can easily and very readily start up right where it let off.
October 12, 2007	This entry is for all my customers who take a moment during their busy day to let me know how pleased they are with their jewelry.  When I get a compliment, it feels so worthwhile to continue doing what I'm doing.  The feeling is better than getting high.  In fact, it is one of the best natural highs I could ever wish for.  Again, thank you my sober sisters for all your kind words and support!
October 5, 2007	When I think about sobriety and all the wonderful gifts it brought me, I can only thank my lucky stars that I'm still clean.  I try not to remember the past with bitterness in my heart because it really only causes pain and it is negative.  Sure, it's easy to say when I was using, I was so this or so that..and, at first when you are finally sober, you need to recall how you used to be.    God knows how many ambitious or worthwhile projects never got done because I was just too stoned. Guilt can really destroy a person and it's not healthy to dwell on the past. Simply recall enough to remind yourself that you never, never, ever want to go back there.  Life is too short to be stoned 24/7.
September 28, 2007	I think most of us addicts/alcoholics know a thing or two about boredom.  In fact, I know that one of the primary reasons I used in the past was because I was bored.  It was like, I'm bored, I can't concentrate on anything right now so I'll get high.  Boredom became this monkey on my back that led me to using more and more.  After I cleaned up, I had to still deal with boredom and it was not easy finding things to do that required my full attention.    Luckily, I discovered this little hobby of mine which gave some focus and something to do with my hands.  Believe me, I still get bored but now sobriety has taught me how to deal with it a little better  I learned that you can't always sit back and be entertained.  You need to commit to things that bring you joy and satisfaction but anything worthwhile takes effort and some discipline.
September 21, 2007	Serenity isn't just about the 12 steps.  It's about coping with life.  This last year has been a real roller coaster for me.  I had some successes and I also had some health problems that frightened me so much that it made me even sicker.  The Serenity Prayer became my mantra and I began to pray hard and often when the fear took over.     We often think this prayer is just for folks in recovery but really, so many people have turned to it in difficult times.  I am inspired by my aunt, Colette, who lost two daughters to Cystic Fibrosis.  She watched her daughters slowly and inevitably die over the course of fifteen years.  When I showed her my artwork, she shared with me how the Serenity Prayer got her through the toughest years of her life.
September 14, 2007	This is the first time I write a blog and honestly don't know what I"m doing.  So here goes...   I've been clean for 6 years now and although I appreciate sobriety, it's been quite a journey.  As most of us in recovery know by now that after you pass the "honeymoon" phase of your sobriety, the little problems and bigger problems in life still come and go.  The only difference is, that being sober, you have to cope for real without any "help" from your habit.  It was hard at first for me but I'm getting better at it.  I just keep reminding myself that it's too easy to give up and give into addition.