As I approach my seven years of being clean, I ask myself what is the one true thing I’ve gained. That one thing would be freedom. Freedom from the isolation and secrecy of addiction. Freedom from not having to score my next stash. Freedom from my self-loathing and mood swings.
Keeping that dirty little habit that spun so out of control from my husband, my family, my non-using friends, my co-workers and from society in general was a constant preoccupation. Like most addicts, I really tried hard to conceal my habit and for the longest time, I was convinced nobody could tell I was stoned. But really, I wasn’t fooling anybody. In fact, I’ve had perfect strangers ask me point blank, if I was high. I remember feeling so exposed, shameful, sly yet defiant during those moments of confrontation. I would deny it of course but I felt guilty and dirty about it later.
Now, seven years later, I don’t have to lie, sneak around, or steal anymore because those tethers are gone and for that, I am truly thankful.